DANA CARVEY IS BENJAMIN BUTTON

Being a huge F. Scott Fitzgerald fan, I'm naturally excited when any work of his receives attention in this day and age. The upcoming movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" is adapted from a short story of his from 1922, about a man who ages in reverse. Brad Pitt plays the title role, but this post isn't about Mr. Pitt, however lovely he may be. It isn't even about F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Dana Carvey is Benjamin Button.

I realized this while getting back into Myspace, which I honestly have not paid attention to since its takeover by McMurdoch and Co. There's a whole new "control panel" design that has been implemented in my absence, with flashy color options and lots of impressively counterintuitive button placement. It does however leave lots of new room for Myspace promotions, one of which is the "Myspace Celebrity Featured Icon." The idea (I think) being that you take this celebrity that they're currently portraying and place it as your own icon, either as a show of solidarity to some overpaid nut who's completely out of touch with reality, or in the hopes that people will actually think you are that celebrity, presumably leading to all sorts of hilarity and hijinks.

Anyways. The current Featured Celebrity is Dana Carvey, and he's lookin good!


This man was born in 1955, which puts him at about 53 years old. I call shenanigans.

Now, most people with normal lines of brain-logic would just argue photoshopping and airbrushing. I on the other hand, advance this hypothesis: Dana Carvey is aging in reverse.

My lines of evidence include this picture from 1989, when he should be about 34:


Neh? Neh? Are you seeing it? That's right, eye wrinkles. At 34! BUSTED, DANA.


Clearly, the Wayne's World and Church Lady sketches were started in 1986 so Dana could hide his reverse-receding hairline under wigs until things started to look normal. Mike Myers was probably in on the conspiracy, and the entire SNL cast was ordered to keep mum about it.


As a scientist, I can only hope that Mr. Carvey does the right thing and donates his body now while we can still experience it.