THINGS THAT AMUSE ME: AIRFORCE NUTRISODA

I found this in my dad's refrigerator last night. Nutritional pop?

"It's supposed to help my joints, I think." Dad points at the label. "See? It's called 'Flex.'"

I skim the back of the can. "Helps lubricate, repair and restore active joints for improved movement and flexibility.**"

"**This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease."

Okay, so it's supposed to be healthy pop. My first impression of this thing is jesus, that can is small. If that's how much a typical soda serving should be, our Big Gulp-loving nation is in serious trouble. Unlike that Diet Coke, however, Nutrisoda is packed full of Good Things™ like vitamins B6 and B12, magnesium, zinc, and ginseng. My "Flex" can also had stuff like glucosamine, chondroitin, L-lysine and L-proline, which sound like lower bowel disorders. Chondroitin is supposed to "attract fluid to proteoglycan molecules." I wasn't even aware I had proteoglycan molecules, much less that they were in imminent danger of dehydration. I popped the top and chugged. Aaaaah. I hoped my body was appreciating the 200% daily recommended allowance of B12 I just poured into it. I hoped my proteoglycan molecules were swelled to the brink with fluidic goodness. The only outward sign was a fairly loud burp about 20 seconds later. Juicy!

My can was supposed to taste like black cherry and apple, but I think the taste was much closer to the "Splenda meets indeterminate fruit punch flavorings" these types of drinks tend to have. Nothing new there.

Of special note: if you go to their website (advertised prominently on the back of each can), you can buy special "lifestyle paks" of Nutrisoda! They have such gems as the "Smoker's Quit Pak," the "Spa Pak," and the "Golf Pak." My personal fave is the "Party Pak," where you can perk up your metabolism beforehand with "Energize," stave off the premature aging effects of smoking and drug abuse with "Radiant," and justify your crippling alcoholism by toting along your own healthy "Slender" mixers. Cheers!

Sidebar: I have yet to figure out the whole Airforce/airplane logo thing. You wouldn't be allowed to take these cans on a plane and I doubt the US Airforce is pulling royalties from this shit.